Self-loathe

This is a concept that comes up all through my whole life - be it putting myself out there as a singer-songwriter back in the days, or coaching vocals to my students over 2 decades.

It can come up as:

- not wanting to present certain looks (eg. without makeup on social media), or sounds/concepts ("is this really what i want to let the listeners hear and feel about me? The secret ugly part of me")

- looking into a mirror (straight on to our singing faces)

- feeling the cringe while watching back recorded performances (or even before we press 'play' to review)

The concept of 'self-loathe' is evasive. We all have parts of self-loathe, but life doesn't require us to look at it right in the face, because to feel good, we only need to look at what's easy for us, that can also impress the world beyond us.

But this concept was planted deep into me during one lesson. A few years ago, a Korean man came to my studio for a trial lesson. The student was facing marital / life issues, and he had depression. His psychologist encouraged him to take up some passions that can make him feel happy / more alive. He took guitar lessons from my friend, and thought that he could pick up singing too.

The lesson went well until the point when I told him to look into my huge half-length mirror so that he could observe his body and facial expressions while singing (fyi, singers train micro muscles). This was a memory I would never forget my entire life. He stood up from my sofa, and turned to look into my mirror. Within one second, he leapt back to my sofa with such fear, I was bewildered. Seated on the sofa, he covered his face with his hands and said, "I can't do this". I was a bit shocked, I asked him why. He said, "When I look into the mirror, I am reminded of how my life has failed."

I always learn from my students, cos any and every experience is a feedback to upgrade my teaching repertoire beyond textbooks.

But that moment taught me what self-hatred truly looks like - the far end of a spectrum we all sit somewhere on. Needless to say, he didn't come back.

Over the years I've realised: people come to vocal lessons thinking they want technique. But they always end up confronting the parts of themselves they loathe.

Singing is nakedness. It puts your face, body, and sound in front of a camera or a live audience. If public speaking feels vulnerable, singing requires far more self-acceptance.

I remember my early days reviewing performance videos — "Am I that fat? My cheeks are huge. I didn't sing as well as I thought... ew!!!" BLUSH.....!!!! The emotion: shame.

We don't turn on ourselves deliberately. We're conditioned to present only our best, so when we see the parts that fall short, we attack them.

Each student who stays long enough eventually has to face themselves (sound, face, and all), and process: "I Am Enough". The ones who stay? They don't just sing better. They carry themselves differently from the inside. 

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